Jokes of the Day - "A man walked into a bar..."

It is common to hear jokes in English that start with the phrase "A man walked into a bar..." Here are a few!

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a drink. Then he and the dog started playing darts.
"Hey, that's amazing!" said the bartender. "Your dog can play darts!"
"It's not that amazing," answered the man. "In the last ten games he's only beaten me twice!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a large man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked the man.
"No," the man answered.
A few moments later the dog got up and bit the first man in the leg!
"You said your dog doesn't bite!" the man replied.
"That's not my dog," the second man answered.

A duck walked into a bar. He went up to the bartender and asked, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, annoyed, said, "We don't have grapes, we serve drinks here. Get out!"
The next day the duck walked into the same bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, shouted, "I told you yesterday that we don't have any grapes. We have drinks! Now get out!"
The next day the duck walked into the bar again. He sat at the bar and asked the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"
Now the bartender was furious. "I told you two times that we don't have grapes here. We serve drinks! Now, if you come back ONE MORE TIME and ask me the same question, I will NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR! GET OUT!"
The next day the duck walked into the bar. He asked the bartender, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender, confused, answered, "No."
The duck looked the bartender directly in the eyes and asked, "Do you have any grapes?"

Run for President of the United States!

Surprise your family and friends! Put the best candidate on the podium and run for the job of President of the United States.

Discuss the issues that are important to you. Pick your own party. Upload an image and get started.

Image from www.yourct.com

Convert Text to Speech

Programs that convert text to speech are really fun! Make eggs talk at the Talking Egg-a-Gram web site, courtesy of Holiday Inn. Or try Monk-E-Mail. Send your message on to a friend!

Walkthrough for Friday's game Phantasy Quest is here. Follow these directions if you get stuck.

Play Video Games while Practicing your English!

Like video games? They can be a lot of fun, but some people think they are a waste of time. Here is a video game you can play directly on your computer that you can have fun with while practicing your English. In Phantasy Quest, you will find yourself on a desert island, near your ship, which has been shipwrecked. Your quest is to find the girl. It is not difficult - just point the mouse and click. Follow the arrows. Pick up objects and use them on each other. Try to rescue the girl. Have fun!

I will post the walkthrough tomorrow for those of you who get stuck!

Tell Others What To Do! (Practicing Commands)

Practice your commands and get a laugh as you do! Tell the subservient chicken what you want him to do and watch him bow to your every word!

How? Type in a command and submit and then just watch. Here are just a few to use:

• roll over
• bend over and touch your toes
• dance
• jump
• scratch your head

Try a few of your own!

Not a fan of the chicken suit? (I admit, it could be a little cuter!) There is a cute little dog waiting for your instructions at I Do Dog Tricks. The dog can't do as much as the chicken, but it's fun anyway, and maybe you'll learn some new vocabulary! Try these commands with the dog: dance, beg, bark, jump, sit, stand, etc.

Are you a higher level learner? Try the Family Friendly Simon Sez Santa, where the commands understood are greater and new ones are being added.
If you are there to practice your English, be sure to choose English as your language. If you're there just to have a little fun, there are a lot of languages to choose from. An added feature here is that some fun commands appear at the bottom - ideas for you to try!

Enjoy!

PS I saw these on Larry Ferlazzo's blog, although I'd seen the dog web site before. Check out his blog if you're an English teacher looking for ideas!

Chat with a Robot and Practice Your English

Do you want someone to chat with who has perfect English, is willing to chat at any time of the day and will never get tired of your questions? Try Dave E.S.L. Bot, a service that will give you a month of unlimited chat time for only $10. Dave's the perfect English partner to talk to and has tens of thousands of words in his vocabulary bank. (Remember to always check a web site before paying for a product - this one has not been tested by us. Still, it is a neat idea!)

There are other free robot chats online. Rong-chang.com has one. Oliverbot is free also. Splotchy is a bit quirky but will talk to you if your computer is set up properly. And jabberwacky will "learn" conversations and responses the more you use him, thus getting more and more intelligent as you chat. You can even choose his emotions and taint his reactions!

One added plus: you won't be able to make lifelong friends with these robots, but you never have to worry about cyber safety issues.

Online Crossword Puzzles

We've compiled a list of crossword puzzles for those of you who like to play games in English.

The human body: From the BBC "Learning English" web site. You can send them an email and request a crossword puzzle based on a theme you like, too!

Past tense verbs: Practice the past tense of common verbs. There are plenty more on this site, like Animal sounds.
Or try something a bit more challenging, like Phrases with Make or Collective Nouns.

Maybe you are into something Business related? Or short but difficult?

Want to try an authentic crossword puzzle (one made for English speakers and not students)? Here's the Washington Post's, USA Today's, and Newsday's.

Maybe a designer crossword? Here's one which features clues Martha Stewart wrote.

Or something that can satisfy not only your love of words but also your soul?

If you are serious about crossword puzzle solving, you may need a crossword dictionary. At the very least you could use an online dictionary to help out with those clues you don't know the answer to.

Once you get good at the puzzles, why not try and create a few of your own?
This crossword puzzle creator is user-friendly and free! This one allows you to save PDF files of your creation (you have to register to the site). Here is another.

Have fun exploring these sites. Happy "puzzling"!

Take this fun musical quiz

How much do you know about English music from the past fifty years? Take this quiz and see how many of the bands you can get right!



Answers will be posted in the comments section.

Cartoons for English Language Learners

Like to read cartoons? The British Council site has a cartoon-of-the-week feature. The cartoons are adapted for English language learners and often focus on a play on words. You can go into their archives for theme-related cartoons, on topics as diverse as animals, restaurants, and sports.

Customized wallpaper

Here is a fun web site where you can build your own reef, then save it and download it as a wallpaper for your desktop. It starts out empty, like this:

You add fish, sea turtles, different kinds of reefs, bubbles, color, etc.

Here is an example of what you can do.

Just had to share another...

"I don't see why you have to have such a crazy language, anyway!"

Frustrated by English? You're not the only one! Have a look at this I Love Lucy short and have a good laugh at some of the inconsistencies of the English language.


Did you catch the quote by Ricky in the title above? Listen again and see if you can hear it.

Improve your Pronunciation

Oxford University Press has a site for students who want to practice their pronunciation. Practice vowels, consonants, diphthongs (2 vowels or consonants that make one sound), regular past tense endings, and more. Hear the British pronunciation of the words by clicking on the word or icon. Repeat until you feel comfortable saying the sound. Play Stress Monsters - which is set up like a real video game, to practice syllable stress.
Have fun!

CEC library

Don't forget about the CEC library. It is a great resource for students and teachers alike. There are a number of grammar books and readers, as well as hundreds of authentic novels. Remember - you don't have to read an entire novel. Read the first chapter, or a short story. Some of our books even come with the CD and CD-Rom, so you can listen and read along. There is even a small French and Spanish section. Go to the reading room (located adjacent to the library) to find a quiet place to study. The librarian is there during the day to answer your questions, help with homework, or just recommend something interesting to read. You can go and practice your English, too, since she is an English teacher herself! Visit the library today!

Location: Seis de Diciembre and Veintimilla (next to “La Rossa” Corner Store)
Hours: 8:30 - 14:00 AND 15:00 -17:30
Reading Room Hours: 9:00 -13:30 and 16:00 -17:30
Telephone number: 254-4666
email: itobar (AT) cec-epn (DOT) edu (DOT) ec
AT=@
DOT= .

Grammarman to the Rescue!

Read about the adventures of Grammarman. Here are some cute comics that you can read along with. Good sound effects, too. For those who don't care for reading or who want listening practice, watch the movie! Here is a sample:



Go to the grammarman web site for more episodes.

Do you know the words to...?

Many students use music as a means to learn new vocabulary and practice their English. Check out this link for a fun activity, using the famous Beatles song With a Little Help from my Friends.

Online Games

Do you like to play games online? Try JoyTube for some fun trivia and word games!

Learn Grammar and Have Fun!

Like to play word games? Want to practice your grammar at the same time? Here is a list of some online games you can use to practice your grammar - and have fun doing it!

• past tense verbs
• punctuation
• adjectives
• practice with all tenses

Have fun and learn lots!

Misunderstandings...

The war in Iraq is objectionable, but no matter what your opinion is about it, you can't help but feel for what this guy is going through! Have you ever been misunderstood because of your "accent"? This is a funny video that any English speaker can relate to.

Do You Speak English?

Quite a funny little video! Shows how ridiculous the question "Do you speak English?" is.